What dosn't kill us Chapter One
by sherlock1921
Summary: Ruth makes a decision that alters Harry's life forever
1. Chapter 1

**I see this taking place after the Albany fiasco and in my world the terrible plot line that ended the show never takes place! **

**This is my first ever attempt so I hope that you will take that into account when you read! Many, many thanks to Hannah for her help and advice. All the mistakes belong to me and me alone! I do not own these characters, they belong to Kudos and the B.B.C. **

**I apologise for any thing that I have done wrong!**

What dosn't kill us...

Chapter One

The letterbox rattled as the days post landed with a dull thud on the hall mat. Another day had begun, another day of tedium and regret. Another day to be filled with pointless and mind numbing activities. _Oh how the mighty have fallen _he thought. Here he was the great Harry Pearce, leader of men (and women), a man who had commanded the respect and fear of many reduced to waiting for the post man to deliver so that he could occupy a few minutes sorting the bills from the other dross that landed on the mat. Since his enforced early retirement on medical grounds time had hung heavily on his shoulders, he had sacrificed so much for the service and now he was paying the price

Of course no one but those closest to him would ever know just how deep his feelings of despair and disappointment went. He still dined at his club two or three times a month, was still an active member of the M.C. was always immaculately turned always gave the inpression that he was busy, had many irons in the fire but of course he couldn't talk about any of them. And because he was such a master of his craft his accquantantcies and peers thought that Harry Pearce was doing just fine.

Well at least today would be a little different as today was his birthday, so there would be cards. He was sure that his daughter would send him one, if he was lucky his son Graham would have remembered, (_ he had become closer to his son since his life changing injuries and subsequent breakdown )_ there would be one from his old team at Thames House and of course Malcolm would have popped a card in the post even though he would be coming round later in the day to share a meal and a bottle with him. But said the nagging voice at the back of his mind _She won't be sending you a card, she won't even remember it's your birthday Harry, to her you are an old man best forgotten. _Even so a small flame of hope burned in his chest until he bent to pick up the accumulated post and no there was no card from her. No card from Ruth.

A couple of hours later he had given in to his inner demons and was nursing his first Scotch of the day, he knew that he drank too much but truth be told he didn't bloody care, it helped him get through the long days, it helped him cope with the loneliness and he liked to think of it as self medication rather than the addiction that it was fast becoming.

Inevitably his thoughts ran back to the last time he had seen and spoken to Ruth. He shuddered when he remembered what a complete boor he had been, how selfish and egotistical he had been. The Albany enquiry had been halted and he was back on the Grid, booted and suited, ready to crack a few heads and flex his muscles. Ready to show his detractors that Harry Pearce was still a force to reckoned with …...

It was into this scenario that Ruth had entered,she had looked abashed and slightly nervous, unsure in fact and for some reason that had irked him, she was after all supposed to be on his side, she should have been as pleased as he was He had noticed that when he had exited the pods everyone had gathered around him offering congratulations, everyone but Ruth, she had sat at her desk, not raising her head, not even looking at him. She should have been willing to share in his triumph. And as a result he had been less than welcoming when she had entered his office.

"Yes Ruth, can I help you, I'm rather busy right now. Can it wait?"

" I need to talk to you Harry, and no I don't think that it can wait. I have something to tell you...And please for the love of God Harry will you stop pacing and listen."

Looking back he now realised that she had been kind when she had accused him of pacing when in fact what he was doing was strutting like a rooster in a farmyard, God Almighty he had been all but preening!

She then had proceeded to inform him that she had been offered a secondment to Six and that she had accepted it! That she would be leaving the Grid that very afternoon!

He had exploded, he had been playing over in his mind how they would work together again, how she must have come to realise how much she meant to him, he had been willing to lose everything for her. Surely she must have understood that his actions had been a declaration of love!And now she was telling him that she was leaving him again! It seemed that she was not even willing to give them a chance, he had so much to offer her and she was throwing it back in his face. And to say she was going to work for Six that was an insult too far! He had played over in his mind many times the exchange...

"What do you mean? You can't work for Six. You are my analyst. You belong here with me...us!"

"As of two hours ago Harry I work for Six, I'm only here to clear my desk. When you are feeling calmer you will realise that this is all for the best. It will be better all round if we put some space between us Harry. As you said Move on from this."

And she had been so calm about the whole thing, she had kept her head down it was true, she didn't look him in the eye and she was fiddling with her fingers all the time she delivered what appeared to him to be a well rehearsed speech and that had only wound him up more. The mixture of disappointment and disbelief at what she was saying coupled with the adrenalin that was pulsing through his veins as a result of his triumph was a heady and corrosive combination. How dare she spoil his moment of victory, how dare she once more snatch away from him the longed for, yearned for hope that they might have a future together.

"Well Miss Evershed I think that you will find I am STILL your boss and I refuse to sign the paperwork so no such transfer will take place! I suggest that you go back to your desk and do some bloody work instead of coming in here and winding me up!"

All the while that he had been speaking he had been aware that his voice had been rising and that all those on the Grid had stopped work and were staring into his office.

"Harry, the D.G. And the Home Secretary have signed the transfer form. It's a done deal Harry. No more to be said."

That's when he really lost it, he had screamed at her, he had swept everything off his desk with one sweep of his arm and he had been vaguely aware that he was advancing towards her when his office door had opened and Dimitri had stood there a look of concern plain on his face. Ruth had backed towards the younger man and made her escape with his parting words ringing in his ears...

"Yes that's right Ruth run, run like you always do! God forbid that you should be happy for me, God forbid that you would see a way forward from this. You are a bloody coward Ruth Evershed, a bloody selfish coward!"

He had been going to follow her out onto the Grid and continue his tirade such was the state that he had got himself into but at that moment his phone rang and he had to scramble about on the floor to find it. By the time he had located and answered it she had gone!

He knew that he should have followed her then and there but his pride was hurt and he decided that he would let her stew for a few hours before he went round to her place and talked to her calmly and persuaded her that she was talking nonsense and that the last thing she wanted to do was to leave him.

t.b.c.

I hope that anyone who reads this will think it is worth commenting on. All feedback positive or negative is more than welcome.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you to the people who left feedback. I can't believe that people like my story! **

**Same thing I don't own anything more's the pity!**

What dosn't kill you

Chapter Two

It had been the Home Secretary on the line telling him to stay in his office and wait for his arrival as he was on his way at that very moment from Whitehall. Harry knew that he had paid not a small part in the Albany enquiry being shelved so he was minded to heed the request and spent the time retrieving the contents of his desk from the floor and going over in his head what he would say to Ruth to make her see sense.

Thirty minutes later Towers was sat opposite him with a small glass of single malt looking at Harry as though he was some kind of specimen under glass. He cleared his throat and spoke...

"Harry, I believe that you have already spoken to Miss Evershed.. er Ruth?"

"Yes we have spoken, things got a little heated but I am sure that I can mend the bridges that I burnt Home Secretary."

"Mixed metaphors there Harry? Now I want you to listen to me carefully, I do not want you to interrupt until I have finished speaking. Understood? Good."

Taking a large sip of his whisky Towers spoke again …...

"You have made many enemies over the years Harry Pearce, some of them amongst your own side. You are single minded, fierce, and at times arrogant and the Albany fiasco was seen by some within the wider service as a chance to bring you to heel. Some wanted to humiliate you Harry whilst others would settle for nothing less than your head on a plate. It took a lot of work, calling in favours and if I am honest blackmail to get you reinstated. The last stumbling block was Six. They really don't like you Harry, and as a result of that they would only agree to my proposals if they could sever one of your limbs, metaphorically speaking that is."

Harry breathed one word "Ruth".

"Yes Harry, Ruth. Six have envied your analyst for a long time now, it is common knowledge that she is brilliant, that you and Five benefit from her brilliance and insight on a daily basis. That she is so to speak, The Jewel in your Crown ,and they wanted her. They are setting up an operation in Beijing and need someone out there to do what she does best so their price for letting you keep your job was put in the simplest terms Miss Evershed. Of course I think that it was an added bonus to them that they would be taking her away from you. They know Harry that she is the one that reigns you in when you are about to go off half cocked, they know that she is the only one that you take any real notice know how important her presence is to you. They are very aware of just how important she is to you.

Towers wondered silently if he dare repeat some of the speculation that he had heard about the head of MI5 ans his analyst. The conjecture about the prowess of Ruth Evershed between the sheets. It was widely thought that she must be something special if she could keep Harry Pearce interested for such a long looking at the man before him he decided that this was neither the time nor the place to share such thoughts.

" Come on Harry it's common knowledge that you've been sleeping with her for years! Surely you must have realised that the chickens would come home to roost!"

Towers seemed to be on a roll and despite Harry pushing himself away from his desk and starting to pace like a caged lion he pressed on...

"Do you know what advice I received when I was appointed? Be nice to Ruth Evershed. If you can get her on side you'll get Harry Pearce, because to put it crudely _she has Harry Pearce by the balls!_I thought it was all stuff and nonsense till I saw you together. Good God man sometimes you can cut the sexual tension between you with a knife! And the way you look at each other can verge on the pornographic! So please don't insult my intelligence by denying it!"

Harry Pearce was struggling to comprehend and digest the words of the Home Secretary. He had almost snorted in disdain when the stupid man had intimated that he and Ruth were in an intimate relationship! Chance would be a bloody fine thing! And so his reply to Towers was less than articulate.

"And she agreed to this?" he asked.

"Well it did take some persuasion but in the end she saw the sense in it and it's only for two years maximum."

"Will she be safe. Can they guarantee her safety. No wait forget about that, I refuse to let you manipulate us in that way. Cancel the secondment I'll take my chances and go back to the tribunal, you can't do this. I can't lose her again!"

"Sorry Harry the deed is done, no turning back now. I am aware Harry as is everyone within the service of your er...personal attachment to Ruth that is why apart from her undoubted brilliance they have targeted her."

"As to her safety she will based in our Embassy, she will have full diplomatic immunity and a twenty four hour personal guard, she is a valuable asset Harry, she will be very well taken care of believe you me. Oh just one more thing there will be absolutely no communication of **any** kind between the two of you it might put her in danger we cannot afford for her legend to be put in any jeopardy. I' m sorry Harry but that is just the way it is. I am sure you understand. Good of the country and all that."

After the departure of Towers he had drawn his blinds and poured himself another larger snifter of whisky which he cradled as he went over the last few hours and its revelations. It was now clear to him that Ruth had once more sacrificed herself for him and how had he repaid her? By doubting her,by telling her that she was a coward when in fact he was the coward. He had been a coward for many years. He should have fought for her starting when she had turned down the offer of a second date. He was a bloody fool but he would put it right if it was the last thing he ever did!

Later that night he found himself inside Ruth's house, he was very aware that he had been followed when he had left Thames House but really sending _children _to tail him! He didn't know if he should be amused or insulted.

It had not taken much ingenuity for him to break-in unseen but he knew as soon as he set foot inside the house that she had gone. The house had that sad empty feel about it that he recognised so well. He set about a desultory search hoping against hope that she had left him something, something personal that he could take with him when he left. And there on her bed-side table was a copy of Persuasion he picked it up intending to take it with him when an envelope addressed to him fell out of it. He placed the the book back on the table, tucked the letter in his inside pocket and quickly exited the house. He had been in there no more than ten minutes and had left no trace of his presence.

Once home he made sure that his house was secure and then opened the letter

_Dear Harry_

_If you are reading this you will be aware that I am no longer in the country. It is for the best you are worth so much more than me. We all depend upon you to be the man who stands on the wall. The man who will defend us all come what may._

_I am not that strong Harry but I was given a chance to protect you and there was never any doubt in my mind that I would take that chance. It was very forcefully pointed out to me that I appear to be your Achilles Heel and that you would be safer with me away from you and that does make sense. I need to protect you._

_I just wish that you had let me explain to you today what was going on but you were …...Well it's hard for me to fathom out where you were and just what was going on._

_But I want you to know that I have no regrets about the time that I have been fortunate enough to share with you._

_Because of the nature of the work we do I don't know if we will ever see each other again or I will again spend time with you. I had hoped that we could have shared the chance to find our way to a better understanding, to find a way back to each other. I need you to know that I do not blame you for George or for my losing Nico. I am the one to blame for what happened to them. I am the one that thought it was alight to bring them into the dark world that is my life. You asked me if I loved George and I don't think that I ever answered you. Yes I loved George, I loved the fact that he was able to give me the chance of a "normal" life. A life that was uncomplicated, a life that included Nico. A life that was elegant and calm, a wonderful life. But was I in love with George, no. I could never be in love with him because a part of me will always be tucked away and secret waiting for just one person._

_I really felt that we were getting there Harry, but as always our timing was abysmal! But maybe we were not meant to have that kind of happiness. But please remember that you are a true friend Harry and you will ALWAYS have a special secret place in my heart. _

_Do take care Harry and try not to get shot. Oh and always count to TEN before you make a rash decision!_

_For ever your Ruth. xxx_

_P.S. Maybe one regret, we should have gone out on that second date!_

He had cried when he read the letter. She had not told him that she loved him but she had said that she would for ever be his Ruth. And he vowed there and then that she would be proud of him. That he would stand on the wall, that he would make a difference.

As the months went on his team became more and more worried about him, he was taking chances that he should not be taking. He was involving himself in field operations that were in truth beyond the capabilities of a man of his age. So much so that Dimitri called Malcolm and asked for a meeting with him. After exchanging the usual pleasantries Dimitri asked outright

"Has he got a bloody death wish Malcolm? Because it seems to us all that he does. He is becoming a danger to himself and others. I have never pretended to understand what was going on between him and Ruth but now she has gone there is no one to make him think twice, no one who has the influence with him to make him take a step back and consider other options. .He has always worked long hours but now he seems to be existing on little or no sleep, alcohol and adrenalin. Yeah Gods Malcolm the girls have taken to bringing in food for him just to make sure that he eats. He is going to get himself either badly hurt or killed...

Please talk to him."

But before Malcolm had a chance to talk to his old friend Harry was caught in the bomb-blast that would alter his life forever.

t.b.c.


	3. Chapter 3

**Medical facts all my own! **

**What doesn't kill us**

**Chapter Three**

In the years following the bombing whenever the subject was raised by anyone be it his family, colleagues, the panel that was set up to investigate the matter or the legion of health care professionals who were involved in his rehabilitation Harry Pearce always told the same story. He couldn't remember what had happened. It was a blank. The last thing that he could remember was leaving the Grid with Dimitri. And the next thing he remembered was waking up in I.C.U.

And that was all that he would say.

Dimitri when questioned stated that they had managed to evacuate the building and that he and Harry were leaving;

both of them well aware that time was running out for them. Harry had been right behind him when they had come to a heavy fire door and he recollected that Harry had reached over his shoulder, opened the door and given him an almighty push that had sent him (Dimitri) hurtling through the doorway. As he landed with some force on his knees two things seemed to happen simultaneously.

The door had slammed shut and there was an explosion. He had been knocked out for a few minutes,he was never sure if it was the force of his landing or the blast that had been the cause but it had only been momentary and he was brought back to the present with someone shouting in the comms in his ear for an update. He had quickly called for back-up and pulled himself upright. He had been gratified to find that he had only minor cuts and bruises but he dreaded to find what was beyond the heavy door. And all he could think of was _Ruth will never forgive me!_

Back up had arrived and it was decided that if there had been a secondary device it would have detonated by then so the door was pushed open and they entered fearing the worst.

About thirty feet away from the door lay a bundle of some description. Half of the clothing seemed to have been blown off or burnt by the blast but Harry was moving, obviously in pain but if he was feeling pain he was alive. Medical back up was called for and he was lifted onto a stretcher and the Para-Medics performed the necessary first aid that would stabilise him so that he could be airlifted to a secure hospital.

It had been touch and go for a while and Harry was kept under heavy sedation partly as pain control and partly because the doctors needed to treat his injuries. The list was long. They surmised that he must have been lifted off his feet by the the blast. (The device had been planted by the fire door but had not fully ignited). But by some miracle Harry had managed either by good fortune or experience to get his left arm up to cover his face and so protect it from the worst of the blast. He had never the less incurred extensive burns from the tips of his toes on his left foot up his left leg, his left buttock was full of what could only be described as shrapnel and was badly burnt down to the hip bone. The burns carried on up his torso to his left armpit and then up the inner of his left arm. His left hand had sustained some damage, he had burns to his palm and thumb and strangely his left little finger had been blown off. His neck and left ear had been burned but not too badly and there was only a small area of burning on the left side of his face. The right hand side of his body had only minor burns to the inside of his leg and torso but a good portion of his body had sustained damage of some kind or other and the resulting treatment had been both painful and slow. About three months in it had become apparent to everyone that Harry Pearce would not be returning to the service in the near future and a plan had been put in place to see him pensioned off on the grounds of "ill health". Much to the surprise of everyone Harry made no comment. He just accepted his fate and for a time it seemed that he had figuratively "turned his face to the wall" and given up.

It was only when his daughter Catherine announced that she was pregnant that he seemed to decide that there might be something worth living for. And so the long fight back to something akin to normality had begun.

It was this much altered man who welcomed his old friend and colleague Malcolm later on that afternoon. Malcolm stepped over the threshold with his over-night bag. They both knew that they would get very drunk tonight so it was inevitable that Malcolm would not be going home!

"Come in Malcolm. Put your bag on the bottom step you can take it up later."

Doing as he was bid he looked closely at his old friend and boss. As always he was dismayed to see the continual change in his appearance. It was obvious that Harry was drinking heavily, he thought that he detected a slight tremor, his eyes looked dead and blood shot and his colour was appalling. He looked bloody awful. For a moment he contemplated telling him how bad he looked and then decided against it instead saying...

"Is that a new car parked in the drive Harry?"

Harry limped down the hall and into the kitchen casting over his shoulder

"Yes it's an automatic. It was just getting so hard to deal with the gear changes what with the leg shortening and well it's easier that's all. Now tea? Coffee ? Or something stronger?

It seemed in that moment that Harry's comment about the car summed up just how low he had become. The old Harry Pearce would not have let a simple thing like a gear box beat him. He would have carried on and on until he had beaten it into submission. But this Harry appeared to be willing to take the whole thing as inevitable. Seemed to accept that his life would now become a series of defeats. None of this he spoke out loud. There would be time for that later.

"Oh tea I think, plenty of time for the hard stuff later."

Malcolm noticed that Harry had already started on the whisky but was gratified to see that he had got out the large tea-pot and was fiddling about with two mugs.

"Something smells good Harry. No takeaway tonight?"

Harry laughed and said

"Not tonight Malcolm, I have been taking lessons from Catherine, she's still on maternity leave and it's driving her bonkers so I am a bit of a pet project of hers. She's decided to teach me to cook so roast rib of beef and all the trimmings tonight followed by apple crumble and cream."

Later after they had polished off a very good bottle of red and a couple of glasses of brandy each they sat one each side of the fire nursing tumblers of twenty year aged whisky and inevitable as is the wont of old friends they started to reminisce. They talked about the colleagues that they had lost and raised their glasses to them Colin. Adam, Fiona, Jo and oh so many more, all of them much to young to be taken.

They sank into a maudlin state and Malcolm was horrified to see that Harry was crying.

"What on earth is the matter old man?" he asked. "Are you in pain? Can I get you something?"

"No no It's fine Malcolm. Just being a sentimental old fool ignore me. Old age and too much booze that's all"

Pausing to catch his breath Harry carried on

"Did I tell you that I have decided to call a halt to the plastic surgery? Anything else that they do now will just be cosmetic and what is it they say _You can't make a silk purse out of a sows ear _and anyway no one but me and the legion of doctors and nurses that have become so much a part of my miserable existence are likely to see me naked so what's the point".

"You might meet someone Harry, you are still a relatively young man and you know as well as I do that you have a knack with the fair sex. Don't give up just yet".

"Oh I gave up a long time ago Malcolm. You can't give your heart away when it doesn't belong to you any more."

They lapsed into an uneasy silence, they both knew what he was talking about but neither of them wanted to clarify the statement.

"Do you know Malcolm she has never, ever tried to make contact. Not once, not bloody once. And I know oh so well that she never will now. Oh a little part of me hopes against hope that she will but she will have moved on. She is a beautiful woman, still young, why would she be interested in a damaged old wreck like me?"

"Harry" began his companion.

But it seemed that he was on a roll and he ignored Malcolm and carried on

"If I couldn't get her to acknowledge her feelings for me when I was at the top of my game, when I was somebody what bloody chance do I have now? It terrifies me Malcolm half of me longs to see her and the other half dreads it. Is loath to let her see what has become of me. I was never attractive, well maybe for a couple of months in the mid seventies! But now..."

Here Malcolm felt that he had to interject

"You are talking nonsense, you know that she is not like that. She is not a shallow person. She cared,cares about you not the package that you come in. Feeling sorry for yourself doesn't suit you Harry. And as for her not being in touch with you that works both ways you know!"

"Oh I contemplated it old chap, made some discreet enquiries, called in a few favours and discovered that she was coping quite well without me. Of course she was excelling at the job, there was never any doubt that she would do any other. But she had also formed a _friendship_".

This last word was spoken with such heart ache and despair that Malcolm thought that he was once again going to witness tears.

"As I say she formed a friendship with another member of the embassy staff Iain Prentice, brilliant mind, tall,athletic,good looking and just about the same age. Oh and a widower to boot! Now isn't that lucky? And do you know how I know they were, are together Malcolm? Some kind soul or souls was _generous _enough to send me pictures of them together, walking arm in arm, heads together laughing, sitting on a bench sharing sandwiches. Just being together."

"Yes I know, I was sent the same images Harry but decided not to tell you. I thought that you had enough on your plate without …..." Here his voice trailed off.

"Where are they now Malcolm?I know that they have both left the service . Is she still safe?"

"In Sydney living in a suburb called Mosmann, nice place overlooking the harbour not far from the zoo. Two bedroomed place with good security. They were both recruited by the Australian government, as you are aware threats against Australia have been rising and they were very keen to have their experience. But Harry I do think that you are wrong about the nature of the relationship. Let me explain something to you."

"No Malcolm! I am up to here with the whole bloody awful mess. I'm going to bed. Please lock up and I'll see you in the morning."

And with that he stomped out of the room leaving a bemused and distracted Malcolm to think about what his next move should be. He had known that it was going to be difficult but he had not realised quite how difficult.

The morning brought the two friends together in the kitchen each nursing a large black coffee. once more a painful silence between them.

It was Malcolm who broke the silence...

"I need to tell you something Harry so shut up and listen okay? Ruth is back in the country. Alone."

**t.b.c.**


	4. Chapter 4

What doesn't kill us

Chapter Four

On the other side of the city Ruth Evershed closed the door to her new home. She had arranged the six month lease before she had left Australia and had been pleasantly surprised when she first viewed her new home. She had chosen it initially because of the location and the fact that the security offered had been top notch but as she wandered through the small space for the first time she had been thrilled to find that it had been tastefully and attractively decorated. It was not a large flat just an entrance hall, lounge kitchen combo one double bedroom and a surprisingly large bathroom but the views were over Green Park and she could see that she would be happy there whilst she worked out what she was going to do.

It had in end been an easy decision to leave Australia. The contract with the Australian government had come to an end and dear, sweet Iain had meet someone who seemed to be making it easier for him to move on from his all consuming grief over the death of his wife. She had been so happy for him and had told him so. She should have been ready for what Iain had said to her in reply

"And when are you going to move on Ruth? When are you going to stop grieving? When are you going to get on with the rest of your life?"

She had protested that she had no idea what he was talking about but they had shared too much over the past few years for her to pull the wool over his eyes.

"Do you know where he is Ruth? How he is? If he has moved on? Although from what you tell me about him I doubt that very much. Do something Ruth, do something positive. You still love him I know that you do. Try, you owe yourself that much."

And so in a very short amount of time she had found herself at Kingsford Smith airport boarding a flight for Heathrow not knowing what she was going to find at the other end. The only plan that she had was to contact Malcolm as soon as she had settled in her new home.

On the long and protracted journey she thought a lot about Iain Prentice and the friendship that they had forged during the time they spent together in Beijing and Sydney.

When she had arrived at the embassy she was surprised to find herself treated like a rare commodity and even more surprised to find that she was to head a team of her own analysts. She found the work to be fascinating and engrossing something that she was very thankful for. During the first three months it seemed that she barely left her desk let alone the embassy. She had been aware right from the start that she seemed to attract a bit of interest especially from some of the male members of staff but she didn't take much notice of any of them. She was just not interested.

Her friendship with Iain had begun the night of a trade delegation party at the embassy that her section chief had insisted she attend.

"Do you good Ruth" he said "All work and no play etc. Let your hair down a bit, you've earned it, you're a bloody marvel, I don't know how we managed without you".

She had been flattered as praise was not something that was thrown about in Section D. Maybe an occasional _Well Done _but more likely just a nod of the head. So she had decided to make the effort and she had been surprised to find that she had enjoyed herself. There was no one there that she really knew so she felt free after a couple of glasses of excellent wine to dance when she was asked, and she was asked a lot. Not only that but her partners were all attentive and seemed to like her enough to flirt with her.

She had excused herself from her last partner and was in the ladies loo when she heard a couple of women come in.

One of them said

"Who's the belle of the ball then?"

"Aggh" said the other "That's Ruth Evershed".

"No! Not the one who had the long term steamy affair with the great Harry Pearce?" Well who would have thought it!"

"Well you know what they say" was the reply "Still waters run deep, and she must have something to keep that old dog interested for so long. And now every available and not so available man on the staff wants to get in her knickers. Wants to be able to say that he slept with Harry Pearce's squeeze".

Ruth had been mortified, she stayed in her cubicle until she heard the women leave still chatting about her supposed liaison with Harry.

She had rushed out of the loo with the intent of going to straight to her room and locking herself in and never coming out again. Unfortunately as she raced round the corner she had collided with the very solid form of a man. She had fallen to the floor and to her horror she had begun crying.

"What on earth is the matter?" he had asked "Did I hurt you? Are you al-right?"

She had managed to pull herself together, mumbled something about feeling a little unwell and fled.

Back in her room she took a long shower trying to calm herself but her thoughts kept drifting back to London and to Harry. They had both sacrificed so much. She had been prepared to forfeit any chance of her future happiness to keep him safe after Cotterdam and she had done it again because he was more important to her than anyone had ever been or would ever be. She knew that she had been a fool all those years ago, that she should have thrown caution to the wind and pursued what she really wanted: which was to have a relationship with him. She loved Harry Pearce and always would and to hear their relationship being spoken about as a subject of idle, ill-informed gossip was heart breaking.

The next day she was dismayed to find her self seated next to the mystery man at the weekly briefing. She had been very quiet cringing every time one of the men present had spoken to her. She thought she would never be able to look any of them in the eye again. In her eyes they were all a load of bloddy idiots! The chairman called the meeting to order and then before the meeting proper commenced introduced the stranger as Iain Prentice (we are lucky to have him join us. He's a financial whiz kid).

When the meeting broke for refreshments Ruth found herself a quiet corner behind a large potted bamboo and tried to gather herself together. She would be presenting her latest findings next and she needed to be at the top of her game. She was practising some breathing exercises she had read about when she heard a soft voice in her ear.

"Do you remember me? I'm the idiot that knocked you over last night. I hope that I didn't do any permanent damage? Iain, Iain Prentice resident whiz kid. How do you do" he said holding out his hand.

"Oh yes, no harm done, my fault really. Ruth Ruth Evershed. Pleased to meet you Iain."

Just then the meeting was called back to order and Ruth found that she was able to concentrate on her facts and figures and by the end of her presentation she was feeling more confident. Let them think what they liked. Only two people knew about her relationship with Harry. They could speculate all they wanted. To hell with them all!

Over the coming weeks Ruth settled back into her routine giving everything to her work. Politely but firmly turning down any approaches that were made to her and after a while they stopped and she began to feel more at ease with herself and the situation.

During this time she didn't really see Iain Prentice except at meetings when they were both busy and occupied and a couple of times when they passed each other in the corridor and there was only time for a nodded _Hello how are you? _On these occasions she sensed that he wanted to say more to her but she always made sure that she didn't stop, didn't make eye contact. She found that despite herself she liked him, not in a romantic way but there was something about him that she found very appealing but she was determined not to go there.

Then came the day that their relationship changed for ever. Ruth was sitting in the embassy grounds a copy of Ovid on her lap and a cup of sweet Oolong tea in her hand savouring the fruity aromas when someone blocked out the late afternoon rays of the sun. She looked up ready to be annoyed with whoever had trespassed on her precious solitude when she saw that it was Iain Prentice.

"You have been avoiding me Ruth Evershed" he said without preamble "And I think that I now know why. No please listen to me, hear me out please. "Do you know Ruth why I am here in this far flung part of the world? Allowing myself to be referred to as a bloody whiz kid?

Well I'll tell you. I lost my darling wife, she was killed in a hit and run accident and I just had to get as far away from England as possible.

I am grieving Ruth and so are you. I know that the object of your grief is still alive but you are away from him and unlikely to see him any time soon. Let me be your friend Ruth. Nothing more, just your friend. We can help each other."

And he added with a definite twinkle in his eye

"If you let me be your friend Ruth you will save me from the match making proclivities of the ambassador's wife. She is driving me mad already. Please save me from a fate worse than death Ruth Evershed."

Looking at him then, the first time that she had really looked at him and she had seen in his eyes sorrow, understanding and just the merest hint of a twinkle. And he had smiled at her a smile that transformed his face. He was the polar opposite of Harry, the ubiquitous tall, dark and handsome which was a good thing as far as she was concerned. If he had reminded her of Harry in the slightest she would have never entertained the idea of friendship with him. As it was that afternoon was to change the way she viewed herself and her life.

They became close and people began to see them as a couple. They spent most of their off duty time together. Walking arm in arm around Beijing, sharing sandwiches and tea. Laughing at the same stupid jokes. On one occasion getting spectacularly and memorably drunk! They made life bearable for each other as they each carried on grieving for what they had lost. Sharing memories and heartache. It felt good to Ruth to be able to talk about Harry, to be able to confess her foolishness, her regret.

It was her friendship with Iain that gave Ruth the courage to try and get in touch with Harry. She knew that she was being monitored and she was well aware that any contact that she made might well put Harry's position in jeopardy so she decided that she would get in touch with Towers and see if he would impart some news to her. She e-mailed the Home Secretary on his private e mail address keeping the message short and quite general just asking for any news about people she had known when she worked for Five. She mentioned no one by name,hoping that Towers would be bright enough to pick up on what she was really saying.

The reply was short and to the point. It pointed out that part of the deal was that no communication was to take place. That she was in breach of that agreement, that she was to make no further approach of any kind but that he was able to tell her that everyone was well.

It was not what she had hoped for but it was something.

When the end of her secondment was in sight she was invited to a private meeting with the head of Six who had flown out of London to see her. She was offered a fantastic deal, asked to virtually name her price for continuing her role with them. She had been delighted to turn him down flat , she had plans of her own. The man had stormed and shouted at her, flinging over his shoulder as he left the room...

"I hope that you don't think that you are returning to Five. It's all change there, no more Harry Pearce. He's gone and gone for good!"

She had been startled at the vehemence of his reaction to her refusal to extend her contact and was fleetingly terrified that something had happended to Harry, that he was dead .But then the rational side of her brain kicked in and she realised that if he had died there would have been many people who would have been only too happy to inform her. So she thought it most likely that he had retired. She hoped that he was happy.

That night she had sat down and written to Harry care of Thames House hoping that someone would pass it on to him and that he would get in touch with her. A fortnight later it had been returned with a cover note saying that the recipient did not wish to receive it. It seemed to her that Harry had made his choice. Maybe he had taken her advice and moved on with his life. She had cried herself to sleep that night. She just hoped that he was content and if he had indeed found someone and that she was worthy of him and was looking after him.

And so when Iain had come to her and told her about his job offer from the Australian government and had encouraged her to go and speak to the Australian ambassador about her working for them she thought why not. And so just one month after her stint in Beijing ended she found herself living in Sydney and she loved it. It took a while learning to live with someone again but Iain was very easy to live with. He was a bit of a neat freak which had caused a couple of spats but they had always made up, usually laughing at something inane that one of them had said in the heat of the moment.

The job was interesting and varied, the team that they worked with was young and enthusiastic, keen to learn and not frightened to express opinions.

The social life that she shared with Iain the best she had ever had. She loved the laid back somewhat irreverent attitude of the Australians and Sydney was a dream. All in all she told herself she was very satisfied with what she had.

And she tried to forget Harry. Except he was always there. She would read something and think I must tell Harry that. She would see someone in the distance and think it was him. She would wake in the night crying because she missed him so much.

So when Iain had shyly introduced her to Kerry and told her that they intended to marry she knew what she had to do. She had to go back to London and hear him tell her face to face that there was no longer any chance for them. That it was really over.

As always Iain had been her rock. He had encouraged her to return to London, to find out first hand if it was truly the end. As he stood with her at the depature gate he took her in his arms and whispered to her

"Be strong Ruth, go out and get what you want. You deserve it. And just remember to invite me to the wedding!"


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

Harry Pearce gripped the edge of the kitchen work top to steady himself.

"Say that again Malcolm." he demanded his voice harsh with emotion.

"What I said Harry was Ruth is back in London and she's is on her own."

"What about lover boy?"

"Oh grow up Harry, if you'd listened to me last night I was going to tell you that the relationship between Prentice and Ruth was purely platonic. More like brother and sister than anything else. They helped each other when they were both adrift, when they both needed a shoulder to cry on. You should be thanking the man Harry not scorning him. He looked after her for you. He cared for her when she was at her most vulnerable."

"But the pictures?"

"Just stop it Harry, just stop it right now. Sit down I'll put the kettle on and we can talk over a cup of tea."

Harry sat down heavily on the kitchen chair his mind racing at a thousand miles an hour. Ruth was back in the country, maybe even in London! Why had she returned? Why wasn't Prentice with her?What had Prentice been to her? Had his assumptions about their relationship been false? Would she want to see him? Dare he see her? Would she be disgusted by his appearance? Would she care for this version of Harry Pearce old, marked and dispirited?

Malcolm sat down opposite him and told him Ruth had been in touch with him three days ago and that they had meet for tea the day after that. That, yes indeed she did want to see Harry but she was worried that he had moved on and she was no longer important to him. He had explained further that she had attempted to get in touch with him just before she left Beijing but her letter had been returned un-opended.

"But I never received any letter from her Malcolm, no one told me that she was trying to get in touch with me. I thought that she'd moved on. Made a new life for herself. And I tried to be happy for her. I really did."

"It seems to me old man" said Malcolm "That you two have been played by some very unscrupulous people. People who still want to hurt you. Don't let them do it. Do something positive. Only you know how you feel but I like to think that I have a bloody good idea. And I am even more sure about Ruth's feeling for you."

"How can you say that Malcolm, look at me, just bloody look at me! Have you any idea how repugnant I look with no clothes on? More than a quarter of my body is covered in scar tissue, I have a bloody limp that makes me look more of an old man than I am. No wait I am an old man, an ugly, crippled old man. What is somebody as young and beautiful as Ruth going to want with me!"

And with that he pushed himself away from the table and started to pace muttering profanities under him breath.

"Just meet her Harry, that's all she asks. Just meet her. For old times sake if nothing else. And do you think so little of her and her character that you think her so shallow that she'll be swayed by what's befallen you? I don't believe that and neither do you. Show some courage Harry this may well be the last chance for both of you."

The pub was tucked away up a side street. It had been there forever. If you didn't know about it you would be unaware of it's very existence, because of it's location it had escaped the worst of the gentrification of many London pubs. It was old fashioned in the best possible way with God be praised no juke box and no piped music. The clientèle were for the most part regulars,friendly enough but they tended to mind their own business. The perfect place for a meeting.

Harry made his way to the centre of the bar carrying his drink. From where he sat he could see the main door. Every time he heard the door open or close he looked up in anticipation. He was terrified. He had very nearly not got here. He and Malcolm had ended up shouting at each other in his kitchen yesterday morning. Malcolm had accused him of being a coward, of not having the courage of his convictions. Of being a selfish idiot who was enjoying his role as a bloody martyr. He in turn had called Malcolm an interfering old woman, a man who had no idea what passion was, a man who had no idea what it was like to live with heartbreak and rejection. They had ended up standing toe to toe besides the kitchen table staring each other down.

But in the end it was Malcolm who had the last word.

"Say what you like Harry, call me all the names under the sun, you're going to meet her come hell or high water!"

In the end Malcolm had been in touch with Catherine about the situation and she had taken matters into her own hands and had insisted on picking him up and delivering him to the rendezvous, waiting by the kerb whilst he made his way inside. Her parting comment had been

"Don't you dare leave until you have seen her or I will never forgive you. Take a chance to be happy Dad."

So here he sat nursing his whisky waiting for the rest of his life to begin and she was late. Typical bloody Ruth he thought fondly.

Just then the door was flung open and there she was slightly out of breath and beautifully, charmingly slightly dishevelled . And she was everything he remembered and so much more. He stood stiffly, silently cursing his leg for letting him down and she moved towards him. The noisy pub faded into the background and all that he could see, all that he could hear was Ruth. His Ruth.

_In fact Ruth had been there before Harry. She'd not been sure of the exact location so she'd decided the best course of action was to find out just where she was going before Harry arrived. Of course sod's law dictated that she found the place with no trouble at all so she found herself with time to kill.. She was loath to wait in the pub itself, she knew that Harry would like the symbolism of her coming to him. Of her being the one who walked towards him. So she decided to do some window shopping to pass the time. She had just turned the corner from Molton Street when she noticed a car pulling up to the kerb outside the pub. Some instinct made her stop and watch._

_A man got out of the car. An older man with greying hair and as he moved away from the vehicle she could see that he had a pronounced limp. But the thing that struck her most was the air of defeat and despair that seemed to drape itself around his hunched shoulders. This could not possibly be Harry Pearce her heart screamed but her head screamed louder oh but it is!_

_She thought back to what Malcolm had said to her, she had thought that he was laying it on a bit thick in order to make sure that she went through with her plan to meet Harry_

"_He's changed Ruth. I don't only mean the physical changes they are bad enough but it's the psychological changes that are the really worrying thing. He seems to have given up Ruth. Please I beg of you see him. If you can't find it in your heart to be anything more than a friend to him please do that at least. He needs all the friends he can get at the moment."_

_She stood deep in thought for so long that when she finally pulled herself together she realised that she was now late and that Harry would she was sure be starting to fret. Taking a deep breath she crossed the street narrowly avoiding a cyclist and feeling quite flustered and wrong footed she pushed open the door to the pub._

"Ruth" he said as he extended his hand towards her drinking in everything about her in an instance. Her hair was longer, she was wearing a shorter skirt than he was used to seeing her wear, she had a healthy tan, her eyes were even bluer than he recalled. She was oh so much better in the flesh than any of his dreams and day dreams about her.

_For her part Ruth saw Harry. Just Harry, older, certainly battered about a bit but it was still Harry. The thing that struck her most forcibly was the air of melancholy that surrounded him. He seemed to wear it like a mantle, it radiated from him. And his eyes, the look in his eyes almost broke her. She had never before believed so strongly the saying **The eyes are the windows to the the soul **but there and then in that London pub she knew that it was true. In his eyes she saw fear, longing, regret and just a fleeting glimmer of hope. Without pausing to think she stepped forward grasped his hand, pulled him towards her and just before kissing him gently on his lips she whispered_

"_You have no idea how much I have missed you Harry Pearce."_

_**Right I could leave i me since I started this story. Or I could attempt a really fluffy epilouge that has been niggling at me since I began this story. Just not sure if I do fluffy or not. Shall I, shan't I ?**_


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

**Sorry that it has taken me so long to update this story. A combination of unexpected severe pain, a hospital admission, pain killers that have taken me to a whole new place! And the joy of M.R.I. Scans have rather taken my mind off writing. If this is rubbish my sincere apologies all I can do is blame it on the drugs! Well that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!**

He eased himself into bed behind her draping his arm over her tummy and pulled her closer to him. Just to be able to hold her like this was heaven to him. He nuzzled into the back of her neck whispering

"Are you awake darling?"

"No, I'm asleep Harry and I suggest you do the same thing."

He chuckled and continued kissing her neck and stroking her stomach his hand moving under the camisole top she wore.

"Thank you." he said "Thank you for tonight and for everything."

Ruth Pearce sighed and turned to face her husband

"I'm your wife Harry, you have nothing to thank me for. Where else would I have been tonight but by your side. We're a team after all."

"And a bloody good one, but then I always knew that we would be."

"Excuse me Sir Harry Pearce!" said his wife as she propped herself up on her elbow and looked down at him "I do believe that it was me who had to make all the running to get this show on the road!"

Eighteen Months Before

Harry had been startled by Ruth's kiss. Not that it wasn't wonderful, he just had not been expecting it. He could feel himself flushing and words were proving very hard to come by.

"I missed you as well Ruth. Drink? Is it still white wine?"

And he nodded at the barman who produced a bottle of white burgundy and a couple of glasses which he placed on the table. Harry picked up the bottle to pour them each a glass and Ruth noticed the damage to his left hand. She gently took it in hers and asked

"Does it still hurt Harry?"

"No, no itches more than anything. Let's change the subject shall we. Tell me all about what you've been doing. I'm dying to hear all your news."

And so Ruth told him about her time in China, about the wonderful time that she had had in Australia. About how she loved Sydney and how she had very nearly been happy there. About how she would love to show him the city and all the wonderful secret little places that she'd found. And she talked about Iain and what a very good friend he had been to her when she needed one.

Harry for his part just sat there drinking her in, trying to hide his damaged hand under the table and fretting about her reaction if she ever saw the rest of his damaged body. Trying not to let her see the jealousy that coursed through his body when she spoke about Ian Prentice. Ian Prentice, the man he envied more than any man alive, the man who had been able to spend so much time with _his _Ruth.

After a few minutes he realised that she had finished talking and was giving him what his mother would have described as _an old fashioned look_. He could see that she was waiting for him to contribute something to the conversation but nothing, nothing at all was forthcoming. He was mute. There was so much at stake and he was terrified that if he opened his mouth he would put his foot in it and ruin any chance that they might have. After all that was what he had always done in the past.

His companion gave an exasperated shrug and said

"This isn't working is it Harry?"

In that moment he was terrified that he blown it. And so soon.

"No wait Ruth" he said "I know that I'm not coping very well with this, but I will try harder. I promise to try harder. Please give me a chance. Please."

And in that moment he feared that the tears that were forming at the back of his eyes would slide unbidden down his cheeks.

No Harry you misunderstand me" she said. What I mean is that we need to go somewhere more private so we can really talk. We have, well I have a lot to say and I would feel more comfortable if it was just the two of us."

And so they found themselves in Ruth's flat sharing the ubiquitous cup of tea. Harry searched for something to say, he knew that he needed to keep his end of the conversation flowing although he felt as if he was drowning in a sea of emotion. All he really wanted to do was to declare his undying love and devotion. To tell her that he longed to spend the rest of his life with her, that he wanted to make her his wife, but he didn't dare. So instead he asked her how come she could afford to rent a flat overlooking Green Park!

Ruth looked a little startled at the turn the conversation had taken but replied

"Well Six paid me very well and I lived free board and lodgings at the Embassy and then the salary that Australia paid was more than generous so for the first time in my life I had spare cash, so I thought that I would indulge myself."

"Did you say the lease was for six months? Any plans after that?"

"Well Harry" she said as she stood up and touched his shoulder her voice taking on what he hoped was a seductive tone

"I just thought I'd go with the flow, you know wait and see if anything popped up."

And with that she left the room leaving a bemused and slightly confused Harry sitting at the table. She's flirting with me he thought. She's bloody flirting with me!

From the kitchen Ruth called

"You'll have supper with me Harry? I've got chicken and chorizo in the slow cooker I thought that we could have a salad with it. Is that okay with you?"

Harry roused himself from the sofa deciding that a little flirting on his part wouldn't go amiss even though he was awfully out of practice.

"Well Miss" Evershed" he whispered as he peered over her shoulder to watch her stirring their meal

.

"Here I was thinking that you had lured me to your flat to have your wicked way with me and all you want to do is make sure that I have a decent meal. Still a poor old man like me is grateful for any kindness."

Ruth turned and pushed lightly against his chest as she passed him to get to the fridge

" Yes Harry I have decided to feed you and as for the other? All in good time Harry. All in good time."

Neither of them mentioned their earlier flirting as they enjoyed their meal washed down with a very good bottle of wine. Australian Harry noticed. They had moved to the sofa and Ruth had put some music on in the background as the conversation ranged hither and thither from old friendships to places that they wanted to visit. Harry wanted to say that he would not want to go anywhere without Ruth but the words seemed to be stuck in his throat. Suddenly Ruth sat up and she said

"Do you fancy going a way for a few days Harry? Just the two of us...as friends, old friends. I really fancy spending some time just driving along the South Coast. You know starting at Brighton and just driving west for as long as we feel like it. Do say yes. Please Harry."

At that precise moment Harry Pearce would have said yes if she'd asked him to walk up Mount Everest with him. So he just nodded in agreement.

"Great" she said "Leave everything to me. I'll arrange it all. It's Tuesday today. I'm busy tomorrow so shall we say Thursday, we could leave late morning and try to beat the worst of the rush hour traffic. Shall I hire a car?"

Harry readily agreed to her plans but said that they should take his car, he was keen to show her that he was capable of looking after her, even it was only by providing their transport needs.

They talked some more discussing were they would like stay on their trip and agreed that they would both like to stay in B & Bs rather than in large hotels and that Ruth would make the first choice and that after that they would play it by ear. Harry liked the idea that they would be to all appearances a couple, that people would think that they were together, maybe even married!

All too soon it was time for Harry to leave. Ruth thought fleetingly about asking him to stay the night but thought that he would think that was too forward of her. She was not sure what his feeling towards her were. She knew what she wanted, longed for but apart from a little playful flirting Harry had given her no clue as to his feelings. Maybe he just saw her as a friend. She in a short while had realised that Harry Pearce was a very lonely man, a man who missed the companionship that working on the Grid had provided. She knew she could be making a bad mistake, opening herself up to more hurt but she needed to know. And she thought as she turned in for the night

_Nothing ventured. Nothing Gained._

If only she had been aware of it across London Harry was having nearly the same thoughts.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

**Just a bit of a fill in chapter. I thought that I needed to let Harry express how he was feeling at this point. Debating if I should let Ruth have her say next chapter or just get on with the story. **

Harry Pearce stepped from the shower and wrapped himself in a large bath sheet before crossing to his bedroom. He had spent the time showering going over in his mind the hours that he'd spent with Ruth. He'd been surprised and startled she had been the one to initiate physical contact, the Ruth of old would never have been brave enough to do that and he very unsure as to what his reaction to this new Ruth should be. Before the accident he thought that he would have welcomed a Ruth who seemed more at home with herself, a Ruth who appeared to be willing to push the boundaries of their relationship, but now it would appear that he was the one on the back foot.

Before their meeting in his own mind he was going to be the one who would take control of the situation, he would be the one who would decide the pace at which the relationship progressed. But of course Ruth had come from left field and cut the ground from beneath his feet. This was a more confident, more self assured woman than he was used to. And it terrified him. The very thought of seeing her again made him anxious, but he had some idea how to cope with the old Ruth. They would dance around each other, watching one another looking for small indications of encouragement from each other. They would get closer and then Ruth would run and hide and he would re-group and pursue her in a gentle, quiet way until he could get closer to her both physically and emotionally so **he **could be the one to institute the beginning of a more meaningful phase of their relationship.

But his Ruth had once again caught him off guard and he really didn't know how he was going to go forward. Even before being faced with the new Ruth he had had his worries. Not least of all the state of his body. It had been bad enough before the bomb blast but now as far he could see it was disgusting. He was disfigured and there was no hope that it would ever be any better, oh he could continue with the skin grafts but all that accomplished was scarring other parts of his body to make the skin receiving the graft a little more acceptable, and did he want to put himself through the pain? He though not. And then the big one. He had not been able to achieve an erection since the blast. He was sure that this was caused by a combination of the strong medication that he had been prescribed and the deep soul destroying depression that had taken such a firm hold on him after the event. But he knew that if he was lucky enough that Ruth wanted him he would want to love her completely and entirely, would want a real marriage.

There he had admitted if only to himself what his ultimate ambition was, what his ultimate ambition had always been. He wanted Ruth Evershed to be his wife, he had in truth wanted it for years but had kept it a secret even from himself. Oh he had fantasied about it often enough, but had convinced himself that was all it was the fantasy of an old, damaged unlovable man. A man that she would never want. It was with those negative thoughts racing around his brain that he slipped into bed. His last rumination as he slipped into the arms of Morpheus was a fervent prayer to a God that he was not sure he believed in that he didn't cock the whole thing up!

Wednesday came and went in a blur for Harry. He was woken early in the morning by a phone call from Catherine demanding to know how things had gone and why he hadn't been in touch. It made him smile to hear the pleasure in his daughter's voice when he told her about the trip that they intended to take. The next thing he knew Catherine was knocking on his door insisting that he needed help with his packing and after she had dragged him upstairs and gone through his wardrobe she declared herself very dissatisfied with what was hanging in it.

"Honestly Dad! If you were going on a formal state visit, dinner at your club or going to slob around here all week you would be fine, but you really need some smart casual. Come on get your jacket and we'll get you kitted out"

A couple of hours later Harry found himself in his kitchen surrounded by carrier bags as the whirl wind that was Catherine exited the front door throwing over her shoulder

"You'll be the cat's whiskers in your new threads Dad. Wear the soft jeans and that lovely blue cashmere sweater that you picked tomorrow, it looked great on you. And just enjoy yourself, she wants you Dad and I know you want her. Just be yourself. And keep in touch!"

Late Thursday morning found him pulling up outside Ruth's building in his Range Rover Evoque. He rang the bell and was pleased that he had listened to Catherine's advice as Ruth ran an appreciative eye over him and commented very favourably on his appearance.

"I always did like you in blue Harry. Do you want to come in for a coffee or shall we get off?"

Harry said that he would much rather get off because he knew that they had to tackle the M25 which was always busy and as far as he was concerned the sooner it was negotiated and put behind them the better. Ruth's bags safely stowed in the boot alongside Harry's and they set off in high spirits. Ruth produced a bag of Wine Gums from her handbag and popped one into Harry's mouth. He raised his eyebrow to her in a silent question.

"I know it's silly" she told him "But my father always used to produce Wine Gums when we were in the car and going on an _adventure,_and that's what this is isn't it Harry? An _adventure._


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

**First things first. I am sure that all you clever people out there will have spotted that I had Ruth and Harry setting of on their "adventure" via the M25 when it should have been the M23! This seems to be taking on a life of it's own. Getting them together is proving harder than I thought it would be! God they are a complicated pair. I wish they would just get on with it. But maybe it's not them it's my inability to write _fluff _that is the problem.**

Ruth settled back in her seat and watched as Harry skilfully negotiated the London traffic. She had always enjoyed watching Harry, it had been a secret vice that she had hugged to herself for many years. The way his face moved as he was concentrating, the way the lines around his eyes crinkled on the rare occasions he allowed himself to relax enough to savour companionship, the times when she was sure the real Harry Pearce made his presence known.

She more than anyone was aware that the man sat next to her was the master of disguising his true feelings, was able, more than anyone she knew to disassemble and detach what he really felt and wanted from his day to day persona. Except of course with her. This wonderful, proud, strong man had been willing to open himself up to her, had been prepared to offer her his heart and his body on a plate. And what had she done? She had run. Their one and only date had been so perfect that it scared her witless. It had been one of the most enjoyable evenings of her life, he had been funny, charming and oh so bloody sexy, and she knew that if he had kissed her the way she wanted him to kiss her when he dropped her off at her door they would have ended up in bed together.

But the next day it all came crashing down around them. And the litany of things which had conspired to keep them apart had over the years just grown and grown. The only thing that had been constant was his love for her and her longing for him. No damn it! Her love for him. And now fate had presented her with an opportunity to try and put things right between them, a chance to grasp the elusive happiness that had always been just beyond their reach.

She was not stupid she knew that there was a lot of talking and openness that had to be faced before they could contemplate a future together. And there lay the rub. She was almost sure that Harry still wanted her as much as she wanted and needed him but would his pride let him believe that she cared for him. She knew that after the bombing he had been to a very dark place, that he had tackled many demons and it hurt her to her core that he had had to face them alone. She should have been there for him and the fact that she was not was a burden that she would carry to her grave whether they were able to find a way forward together or not.

And then there were his physical injuries. Malcolm had told her as much as he knew about them, had told her that Harry had under gone months of arduous re-hab that had included painful skin graft surgery and that he thought that Harry was about at the end of his tether and that at times he feared that Harry might do something silly.

Ruth had been appalled when Malcolm had imparted that piece of information to her. Her Harry Pearce, the Harry Pearce that she knew and loved would never, ever contemplate anything like that! But Malcolm had been quite insistent that in his opinion it was a real possibility and had made Ruth promise that she would not do anything that might make Harry feel even more vulnerable and insecure. Malcolm's parting words still rang in her ears

"You have always had his heart and his body Ruth but if you decide that you cannot reciprocate his feelings don't for the love of God string him along. If all you can offer him is friendship let him know that. If you have any regard for him Ruth don't give him false hope."

Ruth sighed heavily, why were they so complicated? Why did they make things so difficult for each other? Why couldn't she have the easy, playful, comfortable bond that she had with Ian with Harry? Because her very being screamed at her you may love Ian but you are not in love with him! Because she reminded herself she had so much to lose if she put a step wrong. Because Harry would pull himself into his shell if he thought she was in anyway playing games with him. He was, she knew a proud man, a man who she had hurt badly in the past.

She was brought out of her reverie as Harry pulled the car into a lay-by and switched off the engine. Undoing his seat belt he turned towards her a worried expression on his face

"Not regretting your invitation already Ruth? I know that I've not been scintillating company this morning but I just wanted to get us out of London as quickly and safely as possible. I'm sorry if I'm not living up to expectations of what a travelling companion should be. I'll try harder I promise."

Ruth looked at the man opposite her, the man who in his time had held the fate and survival of millions in his hands and berated herself for being in a large part responsible for breaking him like this.

"Oh no Harry" she said taking his hand in hers. "Just thinking about something really silly, I like the way that we can be together without the need to fill the silence with silly chit chat. Really I do."

She could see Harry visibly relax and the look of concern on his face was replaced by a warm smile

"Well Miss Evershed, as much as hate to break this _silence _with idle chit chat I think that sooner rather than later you need to tell me where we are going. I may have been a Spook but I'm a bit out of practice and unfortunately I never did take the mind reading course!"

Ruth blushed when she thought of Harry, over the years being able to read her mind. There had been so many times when she had had inappropriate even carnal thoughts about him. About him and her together, his hands on her body, his lips and where he would kiss her. What parts of his body she would caress.

She was pulled away from these thoughts by the sound of his voice purring in her ear. When and how had he managed to get so close without her noticing she wondered.

"Come on Ruth give me clue, or shall I just keep driving until we end up in the Channel?"

Smiling at him Ruth passed him a piece of paper with the post code so that he could type it into the Sat Nav and they set off again but only after Harry had insisted that she pop another Wine Gum in his mouth. When he pouted beautifully as she told him he could not chose the flavour but would have to take them as they came out of the bag it fairly took her breath away.

The rest of the journey was spent in reminiscing about old times and old friendships. About the good times that they had shared with others on the Grid. Under lying it all they were both painfully aware that they would have to excavate ground that would be distressing and disturbing to them both at some point but for now they were happy to live in the moment.

A while later Harry took a right turn and they found themselves on a B road, little more than a lane really and Ruth could here him muttering under his breath about

"Bloody useless technology. And what's wrong with a good old fashioned map?"

She was just about to reassure him that she was sure that they were on the right road when the car crested the brow of a hill and there before them was an elegant country house set in well maintained grounds and views sweeping down to the sea.

"This is your idea of Bed & Breakfast Ruth?

"Well it's the first night of our _adventure _Harry so I thought we deserved a treat. Two night here, and then as we agreed we'll play it by ear and book as we go. Agreed? Good. This place looks even better than it did on line I can't wait to see what it's like inside!"


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine**

If Harry had been surprised Ruth had booked them both into the same room he hid it very well. They'd followed the porter into the ornate lift neither of them saying a word. Both of them just wanting the young man to be gone so that they could each for their own reasons come to terms with the new intimacy that Ruth had chosen for them.

Ruth was the first to break the silence after Harry had tipped and closed the door firmly telling the young man that if they needed anything they would let him know. As he turned to face Ruth he raised an enquiring eyebrow and she felt compelled to explain.

"Don't look at me like that Harry. We're both adults and I just thought, I just concluded that we were doing this to spend time together, and, and why book two rooms and cause us to spend time apart when we don't need to? If you are unhappy about it Harry I apologise and I'll go down to reception and book you another room. Your own room."

By the time she had finished she found her self blushing just like she had in the old days. She'd promised herself that the days of Ruth Ever shed being put on the back foot by anyone were over but he had done it without opening his mouth. How did he do that? She had been so sure when she booked the twin room that she was doing the right thing, that she was sending out signals that he would welcome, signs that she wanted them to enter new territory, wanted to build a different understanding with him. But maybe she had analysed it all wrong, maybe he was beyond her reach. Maybe he was so damaged that he was no longer willing or even able to take a chance. Bugger it! she thought.

"Which bed do you want Ruth, the one nearest the window? I'm not really bothered. You start your unpacking and I'll ring down for afternoon tea and then I fancy a walk, could do with stretching my legs after the drive. I think that we should be able to walk a little way down to the sea from what I saw as we drove up."

About an hour later they were outside the front door of the hotel after indulging in a very delicious tea. All their clothes and bits and pieces were safely stashed away and they were both looking forward to getting some fresh air. Harry had been right, they were able to walk about half a mile until they came to the cliff edge where a bench had been handily situated. By mutual consent they sat and gazed out over the water each lost in their own thoughts. Each wanting to say so much but neither of them brave enough to start. Ruth turned and looked at Harry and saw that he was on the verge of dozing off. She tapped him lightly on the arm

"Harry, Harry I'm going to walk back now, I'm getting a bit chilly and I need a bath. Are you coming?"

Harry pulled himself from the fog that had been descending on his senses and made to follow her, grimacing as the pain in his leg shot through him. Bloody brilliant he thought, here I am trying to convince her that I am the man for her and I doze off like a bloody pensioner and then to compound the situation I hobble about like a bloody geriatric. Well done to me!

After she had finished in the bathroom Ruth opened the door to see that Harry had lain on his bed and was now snoring gently. He looked quite adorable as he slept the worry lines on his face seemed to be eradicated by slumber, he looked years younger and she was very forcibly reminded of the Harry Pearce that she had meet on her first day on the Grid all those years ago. Silently lamenting for all that they had lost she pulled the throw from the bottom of the bed to cover him before laying on her bed and closing her eyes.

Harry woke with a start disorientated by his strange surrounding and the sound of another's breathing filling the room. The panic rose in his chest as it always did when he first woke in a strange place but he seemed on first assessment to be safe and warm. There appeared to be no imminent threat to be dealt with. Rolling over the first thing he saw was Ruth sound asleep on the bed next to his. How many times had he dreamt of this, of course in his dreams they would be sharing the same bed, he would have woken with her in his arms after they had made love. But if this was all that he was to be granted he would imprint it on his memory to be taken out and savoured in years to come. As he drank her in his beloved he noticed that she was shivering slightly so he stood and pulling the throw from the bottom of her bed he covered her lightly before he made his way to the bathroom to shower.

By mutual consent they decided that they would eat at the the hotel and were pleasantly surprised by the quality of the food and the range of wine on offer. The dining room was busy and when Ruth enquired of their waitress if this was usual she was told that tonight was the hotel's monthly dinner dance. And as if on cue a small band began to set up at the back of the room and it was announced that the dancing would commence in fifteen minutes. The band proved to be very good and Ruth found that she was soon swaying to the music. Harry was showing no signs of asking her if she wanted to dance, so she contented herself admiring the dancers. Most of them were older couples and some of them were very good indeed. She was losing herself in a tune that had been a particular favourite of her fathers when she felt a light tap on her left shoulder.

Turning she saw a tall quite good looking man maybe in his late forties,

"Would you care to dance? He asked. "The band is really first rate and it seems such a pity to waste the chance don't you think?"

Ruth looked at Harry and could see that he had pulled on his spook mask, anyone else looking at him would determine that he couldn't care less if Ruth danced with this stranger or not but Ruth knew better. Turning back towards the man she replied

"Sorry dancing is just not my thing. I love to listen to the music and admire the skill of others but, no thank you. But thanks for asking."

Harry hadn't been aware just how stiffly he'd been holding his body. He'd been watching her all evening as she charmed everyone she spoke to, had noticed the admiring glances that she'd garnered as they made their way to their allocated table. He'd desperately wanted to ask her to dance but in his own mind that course of action would be a disaster. He was sure he would make a complete pigs ear of it. Damn his bloody leg! And then this interloper had the gall to ask her!

He could feel himself relax as Ruth turned the chap down and sent him away. One small victory for me he thought.

As it was they did have one dance together, slow and gentle, little more than a walk around the floor together at the end of the evening. It was the longest and the closest they had ever been together and each of them relished the contact. After the music stopped they stood facing each other on the small dance floor waiting for the other to say something when the spell was broken by the band leader thanking everyone for their kind words and support and announcing the date and time of the next dance.

Later in their room the air was heavy with unexpressed tension as they skirted around one another as they went about their night time routines. When Ruth exited the bathroom Harry was already in his bed turned on his side facing away from her. He turned slightly as she wished him

"Good night."

Ruth had agonised about what she should wear to sleep in but now it seemed that her worries had been unfounded, maybe Harry wasn't interested in her in that way. Maybe he was just looking for a friend.

Harry in the mean time was totally stunned by Ruth. She looked amazing. She was wearing what could be only described as an over sized t-shirt with the legend _Sutherland Sharks _on the front. It should not have been in any way sexy but to him it screamed sex appeal. Perhaps it was because he was seeing more of her legs than he had ever seen, or was it that she was so confident in his company that she could dress so casually but for the first time since the bombing Harry Pearce felt the stirrings of desire.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter Ten

They seemed to have fallen into a rhythm of being together. Ruth knew that she was much more at ease with Harry than he was with her. She was acutely aware that he was going to great lengths to make sure that she never saw him without his being clothed from wrists to ankles. She was unsure as to how she was to tackle this. Malcolm had made her aware of the extent of his burns and the resulting scarring. He had shared with Ruth his concerns that Harry was not coping well with the trauma and that he was filled with self loathing about himself. Malcolm had also shared with her the fact that Harry was worried that she would be repulsed by him.

Silly man she thought.

Later in the day as they exited The Brighton Pavilion arguing in a good natured manner about the character of the Prince Regent and the so called madness of George the Third. Ruth could see that Harry was struggling. She had dragged him up and down The Lanes taking the chance to buy far to many books which they had taken back to the car before they had eaten fish and chips for lunch. Ruth had wanted to eat outside but after looking at the marauding sea gulls Harry had refused point blank and Ruth had enjoyed pulling his leg about the great Harry Pearce being intimidated by a few birds.

Passing her hand over her eyes she took Harry's hand in hers and said

"Can we go back now Harry? To be honest with you I'm flagging a bit. It would be nice to have a nap and then maybe walk down to the bench before dinner?"

Harry nearly missed what she was saying as all his concentration was on the feeling of her hand grasping his. The physical contact was exquisite, so exquisite it was almost painful. Their relationship had always been based on the unsaid, the undeclared and he could count on the fingers of one hand the times that they had allowed themselves the indulgence of prolonged contact. And yet here they were in the middle of an English sea side town walking hand in hand like any normal couple. Oh if only this could be real, if only she was not just being kind to him.

And then that small dark voice in the back of his mind taunted him as it had been doing ever since he had seen her walk through the pub door _Even if she does have any feeling for you Pearce just wait till she sees _

_you with no clothes on! The state of your bloody body is enough to put anyone off! One look at you and she'll soon be gone!_

The sound of Ruth's voice pulled him back from his reverie

"Harry, did you hear what I said? Can we go back please?"

Truth be told he was pleased to go back and lay down, his leg and knee were killing him. His knee had been playing him up for years and now there was the scar tissue which was shortening the leg. As the day wore on every step became painful and he found the pain tiring. It also made him more aware of the youth and beauty of his companion. He'd been made very aware of it last night as he had silently brooded,noticing the admiring glances that Ruth had garnered as they dined. He thought he had heard the phrase _Beauty and the Beast_ more than once during the evening and today he had had to curb his jealousy more than once as assistants in the book shops and some _child _who was guiding visitors around the Pavilion had openly flirted with Ruth. Of course people, men would be drawn to Ruth, she was so open, so friendly with people. It seemed to him that since she had returned from Australia she was more like the old Ruth, the Ruth that had walked into his office all those years ago. The Ruth who had with a glance and the words _Bugger the Home Office_

turned his world upside down. And once more as he had done so many times in the past he berated himself for not expressing his feelings towards while he had the chance. Surely it was too late now.

And another thing worried him. If she could find the old Ruth whilst she was away from him, whilst she was with Iain Prentice would being with him, Harry Pearce, a bitter, twisted old man rob her of the joy that she had once more found in her life. Did he have the right to take the chance with her happiness? But oh he wanted her so much. The thought that he might take that joy from her hurt him so much that he felt his chest tighten and his heart rate increase just thinking about it.

As it was they both dozed when they got back to the room and it was nearly five when they woke. By unspoken mutual consent they made their way down to _their _bench and sat in silence staring out at the water.

This is bloody ridiculous thought Ruth. We could be sat here next week, next year, next decade before he does anything.. If this is going to move on I'm going to have to be the one to do something about it.

She turned her body and lifted her hand to gently cup Harry's cheek and then she lent in to kiss him. She kissed him gently at first,the same way that she'd kissed him on the dock all those years ago but she hoped that this time he would not see this as a kiss of parting but as a kiss rather of new beginnings, a kiss of hope. She felt Harry relax as he returned her kiss his hands wrapping round her as he pulled her to him, opening his mouth a little and allowing his tongue to dance across her parting lips. She sighed deeply and moved as close to him as she could only breaking the kiss when breathing had become difficult.

They sat and looked at each other in stunned silence. If they had but known it their thoughts were very similar-

_Who would have thought that one kiss could turn the world on it's axis? Who would have thought that just one kiss could make me realise that everything that I hoped and prayed for might still be a possibility._

"Give us a chance Harry?

Ruth whispered reaching out for him again. For a moment Ruth thought that he would respond to her words and take her in his arms again. But then as she watched she saw him back away from her, saw him disengage his emotions. Saw the Harry Pearce who ran the Grid reassert himself.

"Don't play games with me Ruth" he whispered, his tone full of anguish. "What is this Ruth? Just a way to entertain yourself until something, someone better comes along? Just a convenient shag? Well I'm not sure even that is on the cards! There's been nothing stirring in that department for months!

What do you think I am Ruth? You left me! You bloody left me! Twice!"

Ruth was stunned by this outburst and for a moment was transported back to the Grid remembering the times she had sat squirming in her seat as Harry verbally tore to pieces some poor soul or other. Just as she was gathering herself so that she could defend herself or rather make her own attack he carried on.

"And worse than that you moved on. You made a life for yourself, both times! Do you know you made me re-asses everything that I thought, hoped was between us. You all but destroyed me Ruth. Twice! And I can't, I won't go through that again. I'm too old, too damaged to take a chance. If I do this Ruth and you walk away from me once more it will finish me. I need some peace Ruth. I love you but I need some peace."

And with that he pushed himself from the bench and walked towards the cliff edge where he stood with his head in his hands his shoulders heaving.

Ruth walked towards him and circled his waist with her arms pushing herself as close to him as she could kissing the back of his neck lightly and crooning to him as one would a child. When his sobbing calmed she led him back to the bench and sat him down. Kneeling before him she took his face in her hands once more.

"We have so much that we must talk about Harry, I know that. It won't be easy, when were we ever easy Harry? But know this I have no intention of ever leaving you again. I love you Harry and if you let me I want us to be together."

"Ruth" he whispered "If we're going to do this, I would want, would need to keep you. Wouldn't want to lose you. Or share".

That's it he thought. I've laid my feelings bare, and at that moment his courage failed him and he found that he could not look her in the eye.

But then he felt fingers trailing down his cheek, and tilting up his chin, brushing lightly over the scar tissue on his neck. She leant up and kissed him. One kiss, one sweet kiss.

"Harry the answer is yes...to anything and everything you want. Because it's what I've wanted for so long. It won't be easy but together I believe that we can do anything, anything at all."

And with that her right hand rose to stroke his ear, tracing it's shell with such an air of fascination the he had to smile. In his mind it was the most erotic experience he had ever had.

**Don't know if this works or not? Shall I take it further or skim over the next bit and just write a soppy conclusion? **

**Can I give many thanks to r4ven3 for her kind words and pointers in the right direction and so many thanks to all of you who have left reviews. But I must point out that all the errors and things that I have done wrong are all my very own!**


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven

Time seemed to stand still. Ruth leant on to Harry's knees, her face turned to the sea, eyes closed. Presently she felt Harry's fingers stroking her hair, crooning a tune known only to him. It was a perfect moment in time. A moment of peace especially for Harry.

Their tranquillity was shattered by a crack of thunder and a bolt of lightning far out to sea. Ruth lifted her head and saw the dark clouds gathering. There was another clap of thunder which propelled her to her feet.

"Come on Harry" she said "Let's try and get back before the heavens open."

By the time they reached the house they were soaked. Soaked and laughing like lunatics. Harry seemed to have forgotten about the pain in his leg, all his concentration was focused on Ruth. On the joy of being with her and the way in which her wet clothes clung to her body.

As they stumbled into their room Ruth dashed into the bathroom to grab a couple of towels, flinging one in Harry's direction she said

"Right, strip off Harry".

Suddenly she realised what she had said, she had uttered the words without thinking, her hands already occupied with unbuttoning her cardigan. She turned to look at Harry ready to explain what she meant but he was already making his way to the head of his bed. Removing his pyjama trousers from under his pillows he said

"I'll, I'll just pop into the bathroom and give you some space."

And with that he was gone. When he emerged Ruth was sitting by the dressing table drying her hair. Harry had donned the towelling robe supplied by the hotel over his pyjama bottoms. He held his wet clothes in his arms. Ruth took them from him and arranged them over the radiators to dry.

"I've made a pot of tea if you want it Harry, or maybe you fancy something stronger? A whisky?

"A whisky would be good Ruth, I was thinking can we eat in the room tonight? Today has been tiring and I'm shattered. Of course if you want to eat in the dining room I'll just order a sandwich and then turn in."

Ruth knew that he was trying to send up a smoke screen, that he was doing all that he could not to continue their earlier conversation.

"No, I think it's a nice idea to eat up here Harry. Just the two of us. Let's see what's on offer and we can share a bottle of wine as well. And if you look in the bottom left hand draw you'll find a very fine single malt and a couple of tumblers.

As he leant forward to open the indicated draw Harry banged his arm on the corner of the dresser causing him to swear loudly and back away cradling the arm to his body.

"Let me look Harry. I might be able to help you but we won't know until you let me see."

Ruth spoke softly almost as though she were speaking to a child and indeed Harry who was by now sitting on the edge of his bed nursing his arm looked very much like a frightened child. Once again Ruth knelt in front of him and reached for the belt of his bath robe. As her fingers began the simple task of undoing the knot she felt Harry's hand on hers.

"No, no, no, Ruth you don't want to see me. You really don't. I was never an oil painting but now, now I am repulsive. Please Ruth no."

The look in his eyes broke her heart and she took his damaged hand in hers and kissed the scar tissue and the damage where he had lost his little finger. She felt him shudder under her touch and she knew that he was on the verge of tears again. This was a Harry she didn't know, this was not the Harry that she was used to. She was sure that _her _Harry was still in there somewhere she just had to find him.

She got to her feet and went to retrieve the bottle and glasses pouring them both a drink. As she passed him his glass she said

"Did I tell you Harry that whilst I was in Beijing I did an aromatherapy and massage course? The embassy were very good at giving us things to do in what little spare time we had. I was very good at it, I enjoyed it. Found it very relaxing in fact. One of the reasons I enjoyed it was that we were encouraged to use Chinese balms and lotions during treatments. You'd be amazed at some of the results that can be obtained by massage, relaxation and the correct preparations. Here let me pass you the menu and we can decide on what we want to eat."

When their meal was delivered they sat together at the table enjoying their food and discussing where they should stop next. Harry said that he would like to spend some time exploring the New Forest, Ruth was in full agreement with this but said that she would very much like to stop off in Bogner Regis on the way.

Harry looked up from his plate and issued the immortal phrase "Bugger Bogner!" which sent them both into fits of silly laughter once more. While Ruth was wiping her eyes Harry got up from the table and retrieved his leather holdall from under his bed. From it he produced a set of ordnance survey maps which he spread across his bed.

"You'll be telling me next that you have a compass and a fire starting kit in there Harry. What do you think sat nav is for?" she chided in a friendly way.

Harry looked at her something like a twinkle in his eye

" Sometimes the old tried and tested things are the best you know Ruth. Just because something is not as young and fresh as it once was doesn't mean it's not to be given consideration."

"I'll bear that in mind Harry, but really I don't need telling you know, I've always thought that there is much to be said for older, familiar, well loved things, and the same for people really."

They stared at each other across the room and Ruth thought that Harry was going to say something to her when the moment was broken by the waiter knocking on the door. They stood in slightly embarrassed silence as the table was cleared and their breakfast menus were handed to them.

Harry broke the silence saying that he was going to get a shower and then turn in. When he emerged from the bathroom he was once again dressed in his pyjamas, but Ruth noticed that he did not have them buttoned right up to the neck tonight. She was gratified to see a triangle of wonderfully exposed skin and she found her self staring unashamedly at it. Rousing herself she gathered together her night attire and stepped into the bathroom herself. She had intended to take a quick shower but the room smelled beautifully of Harry so instead she ran herself a bath using the same product that Harry had used in his shower just to feel closer to him.

As Harry pulled back the duvet and climbed into bed he heard the bath water running. Oh My Lord he thought only a door separates us and there she is naked and glorious. What won't I give to be brave enough to get out of this bed and go to her. To offer myself to her. But instead he just listened to the sounds emanating from the en-suite conjuring erotic fantasies in his mind. Fantasies that seemed to be having very pleasing results in his nether regions!

When Ruth emerged from her bath, her hair a little damp at the ends, wearing a pair of pyjama trousers and a short sleeved fitted top Harry was surprised that he missed the oversized creation that she had worn the night before. Without really thinking about it he said to her

"Fancy a bit of a cuddle Ruth? A lot's happened today and I know that you're right, we do need to talk. I need to tell you some things, some things about me, about us. I have to find a way to make you understand, to apologise to you. To thank you, to explain my anger, oh I don't know Ruth. I just don't understand myself what I'm thinking so how am I going to find the words?"

And with that he threw himself onto his back raising his hand across his eyes. As he did so the sleeve of his pyjama jacket rode up and for the first time Ruth was able to see some of his injuries. The scar tissue ranged from bright red to pale pink against his white skin. In places it looked angry and puckered and she could only imagine how painful it must have been for him, and she couldn't help but speculate what the rest of his body looked like.

"Move over then" she told him as she slipped into the bed beside him. He seemed startled that she had made the move to be with him so quickly but his arm automatically snaked around her shoulders and she was pulled towards his chest. They took a couple of moments fitting themselves together like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. Her head found that place on his body between his neck and his chest that seemed to have been made just for her. And with a sigh she nuzzled in. In the meantime he had placed his chin on top of her head, breathing in the scent of her hair.

**Just a short explanation of the phrase "Bugger Bogner". In 1928 George V required lung surgery and his doctors recommended that part of his convalescence should be spent by the sea. A search was made for a suitable spot and "Craigwell House" near Bogner was chosen. There are two stories as to where the "bugger" came from. The first is that as a result of his sojourn in the Bogner region he was petitioned to grant the town the suffix Regis (of the King) and when the King was presented with the paperwork as he signed it he said "Bugger Bogner!" The other is that as he lay dying his doctors told him he would soon be well enough to visit Bogner once more. And this is when he uttered the words "Bugger Bogner".**


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter Twelve

**Well this is turning into quite an epic. It's much longer than I intended but they just won't be rushed! It's all Harry's fault really but I can forgive him anything! Trouble is I have bits of paper all over the place with ideas for other stories( one that includes a guest appearance of the odious Oliver Mace)and I still have to get somewhere with "Backfire". Still what do they say _Onwards and Upwards. _Reached 100 reviews I can't believe that! Thank you everyone who has left me a review they mean so much!**

Ruth was starting to think that Harry had drifted off to sleep and so she sought to disentangle herself. She knew she must have dozed herself because Harry's legs had somehow or other got themselves entwined with hers. She could feel the scar tissue where his pyjama trousers had rucked up. It felt rough and she was positive that it would mirror the scars that she had seen on his arm. He had been through so much she thought. She just hoped that she could make him realise that his physical appearance meant would not change the way she felt about him.

She gently turned intending to leave him in peace when his hand grasped her wrist and he whispered

"Don't go Ruth. Do you know how long it's been since anyone has touched me like this? Do you know that it's been years since I've had any pleasant contact with another human being other than Catherine and my grandchild? Please stay and let me try and explain things to you. Please"

Ruth didn't say anything she just resumed her place on his chest and was rewarded by his soft inhalation of breath.

"Best to start at the beginning I think"he said. "I'm not a good person Ruth, I've done some awful, terrible things in my time, things that I can't share with anyone...

Not even you Ruth and you know more about me than anyone alive. I've made decisions that no one should have to make, given orders that have sent people to their deaths and I must live every day of my life with the regrets and the consequences that those decisions caused. I didn't start out with the intention of becoming the person that I am. At the start it was just an adventure, I was flattered when the service recruited me. The "James Bond" syndrome I suppose you could call it and then it got serious. Northern Ireland, Berlin, the Cold War. The philandering that caused the destruction of my marriage, my relationship with my children and for that I only have myself to blame. I was too busy giving everything that I had both mentally and physically to the job to see I was losing what should have been the most important thing. I thought that because I took so many chances and got away with it that I was untouchable. I thought that Jane would just accept what I had to offer when I chose to offer it but of course she got fed up and threw me out on my ear. And then all that was left was the job. And I became it and it became me.

That was the man that you encountered the first day that you stepped onto the Grid. Harry Pearce. Bastard. From the first day Ruth somehow or other you got under my skin, you seemed to be able to get under my defences, seemed to see that maybe under all the bluster and bravado there were still the remnants of the man I once was. And to put it simply Ruth I found myself falling in love with you. And it, you terrified me. You terrified me"

At this point Ruth made as if to move so that she could look at Harry but he held her tight and implored her to stay still.

"Please Ruth let me finish. As I said you terrified me Ruth. I had spent years erecting barriers, years perfecting the persona of Harry Pearce Section Head. Harry Pearce the man with no emotions, the man with no ties, no weaknesses and all of a sudden I was exposed and helpless. For an age I contented myself with simply watching you, with taking the few titbits of yourself that you pushed my way. I would go home at night and go over and over in my mind every exchange between us. Reading into every glance held a little longer than necessary, every brush of your hand on mine, every soft word you spoke to me a hidden meaning. I began to look to you to be my moral compass, to make me think before I acted to recklessly and in doing do I put you in danger. But I chose to ignore that fact and asked you to dinner. One of the best nights of my life Ruth. There was so much that I needed to say to you but I didn't want to spook you with the strength of my feelings so I decided to play the long game because in my mind that dinner was the first in a long line of dates. I had already decided that the next time we would go to the pictures and them maybe a meal at my house. I had it all planned Ruth and then it all came crashing round my, our ears."

Here he took a deep breath and Ruth knew that he was trying to compose himself. She decided that she would wait and let him calm himself so he could continue.

"You broke my heart Ruth that morning when you told me you couldn't, wouldn't see me because people were talking about us. Bloody Hell Ruth as if it mattered! And then Havensworth where I missed another chance to prove to you how deep my feelings for you were, are. I should have knocked on your door till you let me in, until you let me explain. And then Cotterdam, and the fact that I had put you in danger by letting people know you were important to me coming home to roost. Of course they were going to target you to get to me. And, and then the dock. Oh Ruth I still play that over in my mind. The first time you kissed me and it was to signal goodbye, to signal the end before it had even begun. As I watched you sail away you took my heart with you, you took the man that you were resurrecting. How I got through those years and months that you were gone I don't know. Then once again because of something that I had involved you with you were dragged back into the danger and instability of my life. Because of me George and Nico were wrenched from you, your calm, elegant life in Cyprus was no longer an option. And because of my selfishness I drew you back into my world. I told myself it was because you were a brilliant analyst, but that was only partly true. I wanted you back with me, I wanted to see you everyday because I still believed that we had a chance. Still believed that I could make you love me. Of course it wasn't to be and you sacrificed yourself for me again. That was bad enough to live with Ruth but then I began to receive photos of you and Prentice together. To all intents and purposes you came across as a couple and I decided that I had nothing left to live for and I began to take foolish risks the like of which I hadn't done since I was twenty, thirty years younger. The result of that folly is a man who is marked for life, who is abhorrent to look at. And you still terrify me Ruth!"

"Can I speak now Harry?" she asked softly. "What you say may well be true Harry but I must bear some of the blame you know. I was drawn to you right from the start. I had of course been told, no warned about you. As you say Harry Pearce the bastard. Harry Pearce who was so dedicated to the service that there was no room for anything else in his life but right from that first day when you made that truly awful joke I knew that there was more to you than that. That dinner date was wonderful for me to Harry and I should have been stronger when the gossip began, should have realised that my feelings for you were more important than a few people prattling around the water cooler. From then on I made bad choice after bad choice and the only way that I could see to make amends was to go into exile. To give you the opportunity to carry one defending us all. I did it because I loved you Harry."

By now they were both weeping, Ruth's tears soaking into Harry's pyjama jacket as he gently rocked her like a child in his arms. Ruth kissed his cheek and gently pulling away from him she told him she was going to the bathroom to wash her face and she intended to make a cup of tea for them.

How British thought Harry with a wry smile we've just exposed our souls to each other and now we're going to share a cup of tea.

**This seems like a good place to leave it. Not much has happened but I just felt that Harry needed to express his inner feelings.**


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter Thirteen

**Really not sure about this chapter. The last one just flowed at wrote itself but this one has been real hard work and I'm still not 100% happy with it.**

After they had finished their tea they decided by mutual consent that they had probably said enough for one night and that the need for sleep was more pressing. After all as Ruth said

"We have as much time as we care to take Harry. We have all the time in the world."

The next morning Ruth woke to the feel of Harry brushing her hair from her forehead as he planted a kiss on her cheek. Pointing to the tea on her bedside table he asked her if she would mind if he took care of their digs tonight in Bognor. Ruth sensed that something had changed with Harry, he seemed to be much more relaxed with her, maybe she thought he is starting to believe that I'm really here because I want to be.

As they drove away Ruth looked back at the building and vowed that they would return one day. It was a place that would always mean a lot to her and the bench, their bench would be a place that she would want, no need to visit it again.

"You're miles away Ruth. Are you okay? Things not moving to fast for you? Do you need to talk about last night? Do you think less of me now Ruth?Oh my God I've blown it haven't I?"

Ruth quickly told him that she wasn't thinking along those lines at all merely that they would have to come back as the place they had just left. That it would always have a special place in her heart. And under her breath she added

"In the same place I keep you Harry.

As they drove along the A27 Harry said that he would very much like to stop off in Arundel. It was he said a place that he'd never been but had always wanted . After parking they wandered hand in hand round the town. They decided not to visit the castle, the crowds were forming and they didn't feel like sharing their space with so many people. Instead they climbed the hill to the cathedral. Inside was calm and quiet, what was it wondered Ruth about holy places that they managed to infuse one with peace, seemed able to sooth the soul. She turned and looked for Harry he was sitting in one of the pews his head in his hands. Gently and with great care so as not to startle him she took hold of his hand and led him to a small side chapel where many candles were burning. Letting go of his hand she put money in the box and picked up a couple of candles handing one to Harry.

"Light one Harry" she said "I don't know why but it always seems to help. Light it to remember, light it to celebrate the lives of the wonderful people we have lost Harry. Light it to aid the grieving process."

And she bent to light her candle while she remembered them all Adam. Jo, Zaf, Danny, George and so many others. She stepped back to allow Harry the space to be with those he had lost, to let him just be in this tranquil untroubled place. She did not know how long it was before she felt him tap her on the shoulder but when she looked up at him she could she that he had tears glistening in his eyes

"Thank you for bringing me here Ruth" he told her. "You're right I don't know why but it did seem to help. So many Ruth, so many".

Taking his hand she led him out into the sunshine. Their mood was quiet and reflective as they walked back down the hill. Ruth could tell that the climb had taken it out of Harry and that he was in pain. She decided that she needed to say something to him, she wasn't at all sure how he would take it but she had never been afraid to challenge him. That was one of the reasons that they'd developed such a close rapport when they'd worked together.

By the time they'd reached the river she'd made up her mind to bite the bullet. Spotting a café she steered him towards a table outside and ordered them coffee and cake. When they'd been served she took a deep breath and asked

"Have you ever thought about using a stick Harry? I'm sure it would help you. I feel awful dragging you around like this, being the cause of extra pain for you"

She could tell as he looked straight at her with the gaze that withered top politicians across a room never mind a table that she had touched a nerve. So before he could speak she added

"And besides I think there's something innately sexy about a man with a cane. Just think about John Steed. Now there's a very sexy man."

Harry looked at her askance.

"I will never know how you do that Ruth, say something to me that I should take as an insult and make it seem like a compliment. You're not the first person who's suggested a stick and I'll admit that I've fought hard against it. To me it just says_ old man _and I can't bear that. I already feel older than my years sometimes. But if you think it will make me more _sexy,_"

And here he leant forward and dropped his voice an octave so that it dripped over her like warm molasses and she was transported back to all those intimate moments they had shared on the grid.

"Lead me on Ruth Evershed. Find me a walking stick, make me _sexy_"

"You're an awful man Harry Pearce" she said "Only you could make an innocent discussion about a walking stick risqué".

That made Harry laugh out loud, a wonderful sound Ruth thought a sound that was rarely heard. A sound that she needed to hear more of.

Looking around they saw they'd wandered down to the river and Harry had spotted a boat yard that hired out small river cruisers. Before she could catch her breath Harry had paid the bill, dragged her to the river, hired a boat and they were making there way slowly down the river. They fell to discussing their time at Oxford as Harry expertly navigated his way around and past the myriad of small craft on the water. Harry confessed that he had taken more than one girl punting on the Isis, that it had become part of his seduction technique. Ruth in turn told tales of her trips down the river with her steady boyfriend. Of eating strawberries and drinking wine that they had let dangle in the water to keep it cool. Harry had a vivid picture of a young and beautiful Ruth laying back against cushions in a punt, glass of wine in one hand and strawberry juice staining her lips and chin. A young and desirable Ruth in a punt with another man and he felt a wave of jealously wash over him. But deep down he knew that even if he had been lucky enough to know Ruth then it would not have been the right time for them. When Ruth was attending Oxford he had been at his most volatile, coming out of the debris of his marriage, risking life and limb at an alarming rate. Always looking for that injection of adrenalin that told him he was still alive, that he was still functioning. No much better to build on what they had now than to dwell on the past.

They spent a very pleasant afternoon on the river both enjoying the intimacy of not having to fill every moment with words, just appreciating the closeness they were moving towards. They walked back to the car before continuing their journey to their accommodation. It was a large Georgian house in a small village about five miles outside Bognor. On the way to it they spotted a promising looking pub in the village and decided to try it for dinner.

They were warmly welcomed and shown to their room. It was a beautiful room decorated in soft greens and creams with a huge window that gave it a light and airy feel, but the thing that Ruth was happiest about was the king size bed dressed in beautiful cream and soft green linens. As she was running her fingers over the covers Harry came up behind her and asked, with doubt in his voice,

"Is this okay Ruth, just I did enjoy cuddling you last night and it seems a shame that you had to leave a warm bed and..." here his voice trailed off and he looked embarrassed.

"I think it's a lovely idea Harry. Which side of the bed do you want?"

Not another word was said about it as they unpacked what they would need for the night. They both smiled to themselves as they saw their nightwear next to each other on the adjacent pillows.

As they had spent more time in Arundel than they had intended it was already getting late and they agreed that eating was a priority, walking hand in hand to the pub they discussed what they should do tomorrow and decided that they would visit Bognor and then just play it by ear. The pub turned out to be a real find. The dining room was small and intimate and the menu was modest but tempting. When their food came it was wonderful and they tucked in with gusto, Harry reflected that he had eaten more in the last few days than he had in months, his diet previously having consisted of beans on toast, cheese and copious amounts of whisky. It felt good to be eating again and he felt sharper because his mind was not so clouded with the combination of alcohol and drugs that he had been almost existing on. When they finished their meal Ruth excused herself, sitting back Harry sighed. He knew what he wanted and he was sure he knew Ruth wanted the same thing but how to approach it. How to explain to her that physically he was unable to give her all that he wanted to. At that moment the landlord placed in front of him a pudding dish of bread and butter pudding with a jug of custard,

"There you are Sir" he said "Your wife ordered that for you earlier"

Harry was tucking in with gusto when Ruth returned,

"Well I was hoping for half of that Harry" she said "But I'll settle for a spoonful if that's all you can spare."

**Leaving it there for the moment. Having trouble with the next chapter. Straying into territory that I'm not sure about. Anyone got any ideas or tips?**


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter Fourteen

**This is going much slower than I had intended but I must admit that I quite like that they are taking their time! Just a short chapter but it seems a natural place to end. As per usual no idea where the next chapter will take them or me for that matter.**

By the time they were back in their room the easiness of the evening seemed to have dissipated and Harry was once again looking like a rabbit caught in headlights. Ruth was sure that he was starting to wonder how they would approach the coming night, after all it would be the first time that they had shared a bed together. And she was sure that he was worried that _**things**_ would be expected, _**things**_ that she gathered he would not be able to provide. Deciding to ignore the atmosphere in the room she gathered her night things together and made for the en-suite yawning softly to herself.

"Gosh it must be the sea air and all the good food I've been eating Harry. I'm shattered. You don't mind if I have a quick shower first do you? The whisky is in the top draw of your bedside table if you fancy a nightcap."

When she came out Harry was sat next to the open window nursing a scotch so deep in thought that he jumped as Ruth touched his shoulder letting him know she was back. He drained his glass quickly and picking up his pyjamas, and muttering something about _it being a long day _he made his way to the bathroom.

When he came out Ruth was not surprised to see that he was once more buttoned up to the neck. Not an inch of skin other than his hands and feet on show. He slipped into his side of the bed, leant over and after kissing her briefly on the cheek rolled over and ignored her.

"I thought" said Ruth "That the whole idea of us sharing a bed was so that we could be close, closer to one another. I seem to remember being promised a cuddle and I'm not going to sleep or leaving you alone Harry Pearce till I get one. And as you know better than anyone I can be very stubborn when I want to be."

Harry turned to her with a sigh and a look of extreme sadness in his eyes.

"Oh Ruth I want so much more than a cuddle but I don't want to start something that I can't finish. I find myself in the position...Oh Jesus Christ Ruth I'm impotent. I've not been able to have an erection since before the explosion. I want you so much. I want to worship you but I can't. I can't bring myself to expose you to the wreck that's my body Ruth. For the second time in our long and tortuous relationship I find myself frightened of you. Well maybe not of you but of your reaction. I'm hideous Ruth, hideous.

Taking him gently in her arms rubbing her right hand gently over his back she said to him

"How do you know what my reaction will be Harry? Don't you think that you're being a little presumptuous in deciding what I'll think and feel? Don't you think that I should be allowed to make up my own mind? Take off your pyjama top Harry. I'll turn the bedside lamp off so you don't feel so exposed, just let me touch you Harry. I don't need to see anything tonight but we need to find a way to move forward Harry. You need to trust me."

And with that she turned and switched off the lamp so that the only light in the room was the moonlight that filtered through the open window. For a long moment she thought that her plea would go unanswered but then he disentangled himself from her loose embrace and sat up shrugging off the top.

Ruth reached for him pulling him gently back into her arms and they lay in silence for a few moments as they both got used to this new way of being together. As the moments passed Harry seemed to relax as his breathing got easier and more natural. When she surmised that he was feeling more comfortable with the situation she quietly asked

"Can I touch you Harry? I'll not do anything that you don't want me to, I promise. Please trust me Harry."

"I trust you more than anyone on earth Ruth" he softly replied.

She leant in and softly ran her fingertips up and down the damage on the inside of his arm. It felt angry and rough interspersed with strangely smooth areas where she speculated he'd had plastic surgery. The moment he felt her feather-light touch Harry stiffened and his breathing had become heavy and laboured, Ruth was sure that he was fighting the desire to spring from the bed just to get away from her. Stilling her fingers she waited for him to calm before she once again began to gently move up and down his injured arm. Moving her hand downwards she grasped his hand and slowly and with great deliberation she began to kiss his fingers finishing with the stump of his missing little finger. She paid special attention to the ugly wound licking it gently with the tip of her tongue and was rewarded by a gasp from Harry as he pulled her closer to him. They did not speak for the longest time, just enjoying the feel of being so close to one another. Ruth could sense Harry was struggling. That he thought he should say something but could not find the words. She decided that she should rescue him.

"I wasn't kidding earlier you know Harry, I really am shattered . Would you mind if we went to sleep but I do want you to cuddle me Harry. I feel safe in your arms."

She turned away from him and he pulled her into his naked chest.

"Can I?" he asked softly.

Ruth did not reply she simply pulled up the back of her cami top and allowed her naked back to meld itself to his naked chest. As she was drifting off to sleep she heard Harry whisper in her ear

"John Steed had an umbrella not a walking stick."


End file.
